I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
