I wannas sexs uuuuu
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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