I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
