don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
