Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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