That's when you crack a 10am beer
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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