We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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