It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
