Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
