just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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