I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
