i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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