i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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