I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
