The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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