I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
