I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
