new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
