He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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