the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
