Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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