I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
