no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
