my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
