And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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