Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
