i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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