There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
