it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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