Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
