Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
