Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
