Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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