How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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