you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
