Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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