my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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