grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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