i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
