so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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