i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
