I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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