mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
