First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
