Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
