I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
