that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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