Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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