When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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