You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
