You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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