...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We left an ass print on the piano.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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