Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
