Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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