Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
