You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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