just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
