i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
