This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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