i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
