I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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