My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
