Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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